Sunday, June 12, 2011

Negative Nancy

Dear Mom,

I have something to get off of my chest. Something I'm frustrated about now although I cannot change the past.
When Uncle Dan first got sick and they realized he only had a few months left, I had every intention of being at his side. I saw him only a few times though, family gatherings and a game night or two. But after he really started to get sick, when they started draining his abdomen of the tumor fluid, I stayed away.
I didn't call, I didn't facebook, I didn't do anything. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I felt horrible the whole time. I would think about Uncle Dan and Aunt Ellen on a daily basis but I only visited him one time after he got really sick. It was a few days before he passed away, he wasn't really speaking anymore. But I sat there and held his hand and told him I loved him, and said my goodbyes.
That mere hour with him was enough to unravel what I had spent so much time tucking away into the corners of my heart. As I held his frail hand, strangely soft and slightly cold, I wanted to soak up as much time as I could, but I also wanted to flee.
Mom, I will never regret sitting with you on your death bed, stroking your hair and holding your hand as your breathing slowed and you finally stopped fighting the cancer in your lungs. I remember there were some people who said it wasn't a good idea, that it would scar me(all of us) for life. I told them "She brought me into this life and I'll be damned if I'm not by her side when she leaves it". And that's exactly what I did, it didn't scar me for life mom, but it did have an impact on me.
When grandpa found out that he had spots on his lungs, I spent every spare hour with him. I never really told anyone that he was the biggest reason I moved to Arizona. Being near him made me feel closer to you mom. That year we got to know each other and got pretty close, and I was honored to help in making his passing more comfortable. But sitting at his death bed was even harder, it brought me back to your death on a daily basis. It sucked honestly, and being there with him when he died changed me a little bit momma. 
I remember as a child I was so optimistic. Even now people tell me they can't believe how optimistic I am even though I've been through so much. But you know, I'm not optimistic, honestly I think I'm pessimistic as hell. Maybe I'm just a "secret" pessimist, but life doesn't seem so beautiful anymore after watching your loved ones pass away. 
I guess my sub conscience knew that I couldn't handle being at uncle dans side. But I regret not being there for Aunt Ellen like she was there for us when you were really sick. I really wanted to show her the same kindness, and I feel like a selfish coward. But I cannot change the past now, and I will definitely be there for her as she is taking her own journey down the path of grief. 

Forever&Always,
Sunshine  


Sent from iPhone

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

"Either Way I Win"

Dear Momma,
Uncle Dan passed away about two weeks ago, only three months after he was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. It seemed like it happened so fast, but a different kind of speed then when you were fading. Mom, I cant even express how sick I am of people dieing from cancer. Uncle Dans' and Aunt Ellens' marriage was the stuff that people dream about. The intensity of their love and respect for one another was something I wasn't fully aware of until these last couple of years I've spent in AZ. The fact that Ellen is dads twin sister doesn't seem fair either. Why should those two both have been robbed prematurely, and painfully of the spouse they loved. I just. dont. understand. it. You really were right when you told us "life isn't fair" as kids.
But his funeral was beautiful momma, just like yours. It brought tears to my eyes as they sung amazing grace, and I flashed back to the day almost three years ago as I sat in the church pew at CCC and the voice of Judy Collins rang out almost eerily, I will not ever forget her voice. When It played at his funeral, I sobbed just as if I had been transported back in time and was once again sitting through your own celebration of life. Dad was no different, Uncle Dans funeral was a tough one for both of us.
When the funeral was coming to a close, one of the last things that cousin Kevin (who did the service) did was repeat something Uncle Dan had said throughout the whole process. He had said that he and Aunt Ellen were praying for a miracle, but if he passed away and went to heaven to be with the lord, then it would be okay. "Either way I win" he said. When Kevin repeated that, it shook me to the core. Because I heard you say that so many times, and each time you always had such a loving and optimistic twinkle in your eye. I admire such optimism in both of you, because even in your final days mom, when I heard you say "Either way I win," you weren't saying it to make me or anyone else feel better. You were saying it because you believed it wholeheartedly, without a doubt, in your eyes, either way you beat the cancer. You are the strongest woman I have ever met Mom, and I aspire each and every day to be more life you.


I love and miss you,
Sunshine