The Creature of Mothers Day

Dear Grandpa,

Mothers day was another first for grandma, another "first" without you. I cant imagine how she must have felt that day without waking up next to your smile. Feeling your loving embrace as you appreciated her on this day. She's a strong woman grandpa, I admire her so much. She kept busy, making desserts, going to her sisters house. But I am sure she was hurting bad, just as my dad was. Mother's day is a funny creature. It sneaks up on you and wiggles into your heart. I never realized how we take advantage of it until one day the people you appreciated, or were appreciated by are gone. Suddenly a simple holiday has turned into an ugly monster, one that has the power to take you back to square one.
Grandpa, now with you gone too days like these are even harder. I remember last mothers day spending it with you and grandma. You were pretty sick then, but it felt so good to be around my mommas dad on such a hard day. But this year grandpa, I did not have walls built up around me to defend myself from the monster. He crushed me, left me uncontrollably sobbing as I lay clutching my tear-soaked pillow. The monster brought me back to square one. I hadn't felt such pain and utter anguish in months. Its as if my healing wound was ripped completely open once again, left to fester.
I was taken by surprise as the monster consumed me, because it was not my usual way of dealing with things. Usually my wall is thick and strong to such sieges, and my tears fall silently in the dead of night after whatever it is has passed. But not this mothers day, all I could do was drowned in self pity and childhood memories. Bringing myself back to days when Mom said things like "Smile nice in this picture, you'll be glad to have it someday" and she was right, so many of those pictures I am glad that I have. Walking through memories of passed mothers day adventures, dinners, crafts and cards. But try as I might grandpa, I cant remember our last mothers day with her. Which makes me wonder, did we appreciate her enough? Did she feel how much we love her? No one knew it would be her last, and if I could go back I would make it her best.
What a deep abyss of unanswerable questions. On this day I look hopefully towards the future and becoming a mother. Because maybe if the day were given a new meaning, it would help strip it of some of its old pain.
I survived the battle grandpa, and so did grandma. She felt your love from above, and we made sure she felt love from all around down here too.
Tell momma I said happy mothers day.
Love forever,
Sunshine

Letters to those above

Those of you might wonder, what was in my head(or heart) when I named this blog "The Diary of one left Behind." In truth, it is often how I feel on a regular basis. I feel like someone who has been left behind. I sometimes wish I was in heaven alongside my mother, grandfathers, uncle. I think that as each of them passed away they took a small piece of me along with them. In my heart, mostly on bad days, the grief grasps me strongly and I think "Why did they leave me behind?" And so I have now created this blog, inspired so much by some of the amazing blogs/people I have read here lately. Will it aid me on my journey down the path of grief? Will it be the ear I whisper my secret pains to when no one else in the world understands? I don't know what to expect, but I do know I'm in for a ride.