Negative Nancy

Dear Mom,

I have something to get off of my chest. Something I'm frustrated about now although I cannot change the past.
When Uncle Dan first got sick and they realized he only had a few months left, I had every intention of being at his side. I saw him only a few times though, family gatherings and a game night or two. But after he really started to get sick, when they started draining his abdomen of the tumor fluid, I stayed away.
I didn't call, I didn't facebook, I didn't do anything. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I felt horrible the whole time. I would think about Uncle Dan and Aunt Ellen on a daily basis but I only visited him one time after he got really sick. It was a few days before he passed away, he wasn't really speaking anymore. But I sat there and held his hand and told him I loved him, and said my goodbyes.
That mere hour with him was enough to unravel what I had spent so much time tucking away into the corners of my heart. As I held his frail hand, strangely soft and slightly cold, I wanted to soak up as much time as I could, but I also wanted to flee.
Mom, I will never regret sitting with you on your death bed, stroking your hair and holding your hand as your breathing slowed and you finally stopped fighting the cancer in your lungs. I remember there were some people who said it wasn't a good idea, that it would scar me(all of us) for life. I told them "She brought me into this life and I'll be damned if I'm not by her side when she leaves it". And that's exactly what I did, it didn't scar me for life mom, but it did have an impact on me.
When grandpa found out that he had spots on his lungs, I spent every spare hour with him. I never really told anyone that he was the biggest reason I moved to Arizona. Being near him made me feel closer to you mom. That year we got to know each other and got pretty close, and I was honored to help in making his passing more comfortable. But sitting at his death bed was even harder, it brought me back to your death on a daily basis. It sucked honestly, and being there with him when he died changed me a little bit momma. 
I remember as a child I was so optimistic. Even now people tell me they can't believe how optimistic I am even though I've been through so much. But you know, I'm not optimistic, honestly I think I'm pessimistic as hell. Maybe I'm just a "secret" pessimist, but life doesn't seem so beautiful anymore after watching your loved ones pass away. 
I guess my sub conscience knew that I couldn't handle being at uncle dans side. But I regret not being there for Aunt Ellen like she was there for us when you were really sick. I really wanted to show her the same kindness, and I feel like a selfish coward. But I cannot change the past now, and I will definitely be there for her as she is taking her own journey down the path of grief. 

Forever&Always,
Sunshine  


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